she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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