i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
