Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
