Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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