And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
