I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
