I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
