Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
