He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
