Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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