i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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