I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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