I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
