Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
