i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we're making bets on your personal life
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
How external is "for external use only"?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
