i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
