I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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