Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Found the puke drawer
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
