She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
