dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
