when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
