The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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