I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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