i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
