everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
