I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize