It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
