You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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