Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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