i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
