Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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