dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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