my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
