hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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