I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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