there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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