oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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