oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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