I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
