3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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