i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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