did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
