I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
