I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
