you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
