u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
