Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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