am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
