Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
