We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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