benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
