I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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