Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
