I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
