After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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