You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize