She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
