I wish my penis had an off switch
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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