and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
