so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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