Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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