i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize