Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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