I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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