rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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